The Devil's Hands Are ldle Playthings
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Huh?
I choose to not understand these signs.
Aha!
Bender! I was just not playing the holophonor.
Yeah, well, you should try not stinking at it.
Well, I am trying. I've been taking lessons.
Lessons! Oh, that's rich!
Isn't it time you gave up all hope of ever improving yourself in any way?
I know I should, but I just can't.
Remember those stomach worms I had that made me smart?
I could play the holophonor. And it made Leela like me.
Hey, Bender, as long as you know, I have a holophonor recital Tuesday. . .
. . .and I'd really like to have somebody there. Please?
Fine. I'll go already.
You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive.
Not often, though.
Hey!
[MUMBLING]
-Hello, Mrs. Mellonger. -Hello, Philip.
And you must be Mr. Bender. Philip's told me so much about you.
-Is it true that you're a robot? -I prefer the term "Iove machine. "
[PURRS]
[PLAYS BEETHOVEN'S "FUR ELISE"]
Your kid is great.
-How hard you say you had to hit him? -Fairly hard.
"The Grumpy Snail. "
[PLAYS BADLY]
Sorry.
[GROWLING]
[SCREAMING]
It's too grumpy!
-No! No! Quit! Stop! -Whoo!
Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child.
Then good day, madam!
We hope to see you soon for tea.
FRY: It's hopeless.
I can hear this great music in my head, but my stupid hands can't keep up.
You know what always cheers me up? Laughing at other people's misfortunes!
[LAUGHING]
Hey, guys. You missed a great delivery to space Earth.
-Where you been all afternoon? -At a concert.
Was it jazz noodling? My ex-boyfriend Shawn played the sax.
I used to listen for hours while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.
So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein?
Yeah. It's weird. Shawn was uneducated, unambitious.
-He was pasty and hunched. -Pretty boy.
But when he played, I could sense this incredible, beautiful creative soul.
Then one day I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.
I couldn't even believe that. That's really. . . .
That could be my beautiful soul sitting naked on her couch.
If I could just learn to play this stupid thing.
Oh, but you can.
You may have to metaphorically make a deal with the devil.
And by devil, I mean Robot Devil.
And by metaphorically, I mean get your coat.
[SCREAMING]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
You hit a sour note about 200 years back, Doug!
Let's take it from the top.
-Ow! -Bender! Fry!
You've come back for more eternal damnation!
No, this isn't a religious visit. Fry just wants holophonor lessons.
Yep. I need to get really good without practicing.
[CHUCKLING]
Hell is full of 1 0-year-olds who wanted exactly the same thing.
Trouble is, you have what my old music teacher. . .
. . .Mrs. Mellonger, calls "stupid fingers. "
With hands like that you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle.
Now, wouldn't it be nice if you had a pair of robot hands to replace them?
Sure would. Oh, well, goodbye.
Fry, you smelly idiot.
I think he's willing to make some kind of deal with the devil with you.
He is? Great!
-Wait, what's the catch? -No catch.
I'll merely pick a robot at random from somewhere in the universe. . .
. . .probably one you've never even met, and then I'll remove his hands. . .
. . .and switch them for yours. It's just the sort of guy I am.
-What do you say? -I don't know.
-It doesn't seem entirely moral to-- -Fry, if you don't take this offer. . .
. . .I will lose all respect for you and punch you.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, all right.
-You sure I won't know him? -Definitely probably not.
-Just sign this contract. -Wow.
And here we go!
I got 1 00 bucks on Rectal Exam-bot!
-Ah! -Robot Devil? I get your hands?
Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome!
It's not ironic, it's just coincidental. Now fork over those ladyfingers, cookie!
I only put my name on there as a show of good faith for the other robots.
Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off.
Oh, very well.
-How'd you do that? -They're very good hands.
At last! At last I have the power to make Leela love me!
[GAGGING]
Oh, sorry. That'll wear off in a couple of days.
Check it out, everyone! I'm back from hell. . .
-. . .and I've got the Robot Devil's hands! -Neat!
-Let's see a trick! -Alrighty.
[BENDER BABBLING]
Somebody called a Robot Devil's here to see somebody called Fry.
Uh-oh.
Where'd I go just now?
Hello, Fry.
[CHUCKLING]
Just dropped by to make sure you're as happy with our little deal as I am.
And-- Oh, give me back my hands!
These things are always touching me in places.
[CHUCKLING]
Yeah, they get around. But I'm afraid we had a deal.
-Looks like I wasted a bus trip. -Yes, you did.
[HOLOPHONOR PLAYS]
[PLAYS "FUR ELISE"]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
[CARMEN'S "BOLERO" PLAYS]
Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry...
...playing 900 of these classic themes in your own home on this two-record set.
That's over 30 minutes of music for only $ 14.99.
Only $1 4.99 for a two-record set. Two records!
Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.
MAN: Hello? -Hello? I'll take eight!
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
-A Mr. Hedonism-bot to see you. -Show him in.
-Very good, sir. -Oh, Fry! Congratulations!
Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom. . .
. . .over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.
Thank you. That's exactly what I was going for.
You are the sole diversion in what has been a pale and unamusing season.
And so I would fain commission you write an opera.
-But I've never written an opera. -And I've never heard one.
Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture. . .
. . .I shall consider it a smashing success.
But I wouldn't even know what to write about. Unless. . . .
Okay, I'll do it. If I can make it about Leela.
Me? Really?
A man writing an opera about a woman?
Oh, sirrah. How deliciously absurd. I shall see you at the premiere.
[GIGGLING]
[HOLOPHONOR PLAYS]
-Is it part of the opera? -Leela! You shouldn't be listening.
-I don't want you to hear it till it's done. -But it's so beautiful.
So is a peacock, but you don't eat it until it's cooked.
This has to be perfect.
I want you to hear exactly what I hear when I think about you.
Oh, Fry. All this time you've had this incredible gift and I never knew.
I've been a fool. A fully justified, prudent fool.
-Ah! They're so cold! ROBOT DEVIL: And yet hell is so hot!
[ROBOT DEVIL LAUGHING]
ROBOT DEVIL: Can I have my hands? -No!
You're not nice!
[HUMMING]
Bender, this is a surprise. For you, finding me in the refrigerator!
True, but at least I don't have the hiccups anymore. What up?
Oh, well, it so happens I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.
-Forget it, you can't tempt me. -Really? There's nothing you want?
I forgot you could tempt me with things I want.
I suppose I've always wondered what it would be like to be more annoying.
Oh. Nothing simpler.
And all I ask in return is your hands to replace these bony hot dogs.
Grabby and Squeezy? Never! I love these guys!
Is there anything else you would part with?
No! Nothing! Ain't gonna happen.
Yes! With this built-in stadium air horn, I can really annoy people!
And all it cost me was my crotch plate.
You certainly are a shrewd businessman, Bender.
Now find someone and give them a good blast.
Yeah! That'll teach the first person I see a lesson.
My ridiculously circuitous plan is one quarter complete.
[LAUGHING]
Well, Fry's opera premieres tomorrow night.
I'm off to find a pair of formal gloves that'll fit over my enormous forearms.
[AIR HORN HONKING]
[LAUGHING]
-Pretty annoying, huh, Leela? -What? Are you talking?
-Oh, God, I'm deaf! -Oops!
I'm so, so sorry, Leela. I just wanted to annoy you.
What? Oh, this is horrible! I won't be able to hear Fry's opera.
[SOBBING]
Oh, how delightfully ironic.
It's not ironic. It's just mean. Take this:
[AIR HORN FADING]
Oh! Out of aerosol. Also ironic.
Oh, yeah? Well, bite my shiny metal--
Oh, no!
Nobody tell Fry I'm deaf.
If he found out I couldn't hear his opera, it'd break his heart.
Okay, Deafo.
Courtesans and gentle fops, I bid you welcome to my opera.
Let us cavort like the Greeks of old. You know the ones I mean.
[CROWD MUMBLING]
-Hurrah! -Yay, Fry!
I watch TV with that guy!
Who is this one-eyed Female baby Moses?
With courage in Her female baby smile?
A savior from the stars Or something stranger still?
Orjust a lonely Filthy, starving child?
Amy, Fry's looking at me. What am I supposed to be feeling?
Ah.
Leela, Leela, Leela, save him
Save Fry, save Fry Godzilla will devour him
As for me, I must be off To have my doctor check this cough
[COUGHING]
Goodbye
I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla. But that is so what I would've done.
[LAUGHING]
One diet double martini, please.
-And for you, sir? -I'll just have a Shirley Hemple.
Extra! Extra! World's greatest opera only half over!
Half over? Oh!
-I'd give anything to hear the rest. -Anything?
Thank you, sir. Now, as I was saying, anything?
Because I can give you new robotic ears.
What? You can give me new ears?
Wait. What seemingly reasonable thing do you want in return?
-Just your hands, my dear. -Whatever you said, forget it.
All right, then. Just one hand.
Just my left hand?
MAN: Please take your seats for Act 2. HEDONISM-BOT: I'm not done vomiting!
I can't stand it!
-Okay! You can have my hand. -Wonderful! Just sign here.
Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears.
Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy acting talent!
[ORCHESTRA TUNING]
I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker!
-Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand? -In good time. You go enjoy the opera.
To win Leela 's heart With the holophonor's art
I need hands Of transcendental quickness
Well, I don 't see any danger ln gambling with a stranger
For my head is Of a most amazing thickness
[LAUGHING]
[GROWLS]
I'm stupid, I'm stupid I'm stupider than you
ln every way
Stupider? This opera's as lousy as it is brilliant!
Your lyrics lack subtlety.
You can't just have your characters announce how they feel.
-That makes me feel angry! -Look, what do you want?
I want my hands back
[CHUCKLING]
Never!
A deal's a deal Even with a dirty dealer
Very well, then I'll take What I want from Leela
Whoa!
Leela has promised me her hand
Fry, you do not understand
I should have revealed I'd been deafened by Bender
The shame, the shame
But I feared you'd stop writing This musical splendor
Deception 's the curse Of my whimsical gender
He gave me mechanical ears
Effective, though just a bit garish
In return, without shedding a tear I agreed that I'd give him my hand
In marriage
-Huh? -What?
You'll give me your hand in marriage
Is this really happening Orjust being staged?
-It can 't be real -Not if Leela is engaged
That isn 't what I meant That isn 't what I signed
You should have checked The wording in the fine
Print
-"I'll give you my hand. . . . " -In marriage
"The use of words expressing something Other than their literal intention"
Now that is irony
I will marry her now And confine her to hell
How droll, how droll
Where Styx is a river And notjust a band
Though they'll play our reception lf all goes as planned
Unless, Fry, you surrender My hands
Destiny has cheated me By forcing me to decide upon
The woman that I idolize Or the hands of an automaton
Without these hands I can 't complete The opera that was captivating her
But if I keep them And she marries him
Then he probably won 't Want me dating her
[CHEERING]
Bravo! Encore!
I can 't believe the devil ls so unforgiving
I can 't believe Everybody's just ad-libbing
By the power vested in me By the state of New New York
No! Stop! Take my hands!
You evil, metal dork
[CHUCKLING]
[GASPS]
Surgery in an opera? How wonderfully decadent!
And just as I was beginning to lose interest.
Jombee, the chocolate icing.
Oh. Oh, my, yes.
My hands! My horrible human hands!
-And what did you do to my nails? -I cleaned them.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my poker night and I feel lucky.
So it's back to hell for me. Come on, Nixon!
[WHISPERING]
Less reality, more fantasy! Resume the opera!
But I can't play anymore!
Yes, you can! The beauty was in your heart, not your hands!
[BOOING]
The music's bad and you should feel bad!
Ah! Oh! Whoa! Hey! Whoa.
Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks!
I'll take eight.
LEELA: Please don't stop playing, Fry.
I wanna hear how it ends.